Malachi Chase

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Remembering Malachi

 I Wish

I wish my loved one hadn’t died….and I wish I had him back.

I wish you wouldn’t avoid saying his name and asking me about him. He was really important to me, and I’d like to know that he was important to you as well. When I cry because you do talk about him, I wish you knew it wasn’t because you hurt my feelings. 

I cry because his death makes me sad…but if you allow me to share my grief…I’ll be forever thankful. 

If it seems like I’m grieving too long, I wish you wouldn’t think I’m not dealing with it well...because for me there‘s no end to the grief I feel. I‘ll suffer my loss for the rest of my life, and I’m trying my best to live with that reality.

I wish you could understand that I can’t help thinking about him. My life was shattered when he died, and I’m doing my best to put the pieces back together. That may take a very long time…so please be patient with me. 

Here’s the thing….I wish you knew that I have to hurt to heal. 

When I say, "I'm doing okay," I wish you could understand that I don't really feel okay, and that I’m just saying that to make you feel better…because, inside, I’m sometimes slowly dying. 

I wish you could realize that I do all I can to just make it through each day, and that grief changes people…because when my loved one died…part of me went with him. I’m not the same person I was before he died…and I’ll never be that person again. 

I wish that you could understand my loss…my grief…my pain…my silence…and my tears…but to be honest…I wish that you’ll never have to understand.

Gary Sturgis - “Surviving Grief”